Grateful Expectations!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends, in America

as well as friends from other places in our beautiful world!

 

Soon, many of us will be gathering with family and friends to give thanks for the blessings of the year and to raise the curtain on Holiday Season 2018. I am so blessed and I’m looking forward to a beautiful holiday season. But, I want to share something with you that may surprise you. My year took a surprise turn.

Here’s how my year started. Last January, I set the following resolution or goal for the year:

2018: Resolved: I will live with a sense of enthusiasm, optimism and expectancy.

You may have thought that I meant to write “expect”, as in “I expect good things to come to me”. Instead I wanted my heart to be filled with “expectancy”. What’s the difference? We often consider our expectations to be like a list to Santa. Here’s what I want, please leave it all under my tree. “Expectancy” is open-ended.  “Expectancy” is possibilities. I decided to live this year filled with expectancy- a sense of hope, carried loosely with open hands and an open heart.

I wrote several posts throughout the year on how my sense of expectancy had guided me. Positive and energizing things had come my way through the year.

 

Then, I hit a roadblock.

 

I believe it began with my latest weight lost program. I have lost and regained 40-50 pounds many times in my life. In September, 2017, I began another battle with my weight. My basic method for losing weight through the years has been to restrict what I eat. So, that’s what I started again, a year ago. I kept a close account of calories in and calories out. Tracking apps made it even easier for me to calculate and keep track of “good” and “bad” foods, and record my exercise.. The elation of a “good” weigh-in and the despair of a few pounds gained added to my harsh handling of myself. But it worked! By the summer of 2018, I had lost forty pounds. Yay??

 

I wasn’t happy.

I knew I would gain it all back. 

At first, I felt a bit sad and worried.

My mind was filled with stressful thoughts that kept circling in a loop through my brain.

I felt that I couldn’t control my eating or my weight.

I was so over with feeling like I couldn’t control my eating or my weight.

Did anyone really love me?

Wait…I thought I was living with a sense of hope and expectancy.

What’s wrong with me?

So What Did I Do?

 

I prayed. I shared my concern that I had an eating disorder with an online friend. (Who replied with beautiful friendship and support.)

And then I signed up with a life and fitness coach.

And life is good again!

 

Here are some of the things that helped me the most.

The most IMPORTANT concept I’m learning to embrace is to not focus on the “outside”. I must stop stressing about the number on the scale, the size of my clothes, how I look in photos on Facebook and instead, SHIFT my view to the INSIDE !

I explored why I was so rigid and restricting about food and the rules I had about food.

I began to follow a healthier diet, based on adequate calories and increased my proteins.

“Bad” or “good” foods- that is no longer my criteria!

I explored new workouts and exercise routines that I would ENJOY!!

I LEARNED HOW TO MEDITATE. I DO IT EVERYDAY!!

I chose to be “curious” not “critical”.

I STOPPED DRINKING!!

 

You may have seen lots of books and articles about “mindset” and living “mindfully.” I really didn’t know what that meant. I guess I thought I was being “mindful” when I followed my eating rules perfectly. I am still learning, but now I see it’s not about rules or battles. My years of weight loss were not about getting healthier. I was punishing myself. And I’m still exploring all that, because self-punishment is not sustainable, safe or healthy.

I’m still at the beginning my new journey, but now I am seeking the freedom to be happy as me.

 

I may share more in the months ahead. Even as I write this post, I found a new thought to explore- how has writing and creating affected how I think? I found something else to be curious about!

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am so grateful for YOU!!